mood:nervous
song: A Soft Opening (E+E Remix) - Dan Bodan
BRUH I can't belieive I haven't written since the day before my birthday. Well, I guess alot has happened but, also nothing. I got diagnosed with PCOS / Insulin Resistance and I got on a bunch of new meds for it. So, far the meds have been super chill and fine. I haven't had much side effects other then this weird body feeling like I am high as shit in my hands and eyes? I don't know lol but, that could be from getting of th Zoloft. But, even within the first week of starting them I've noticed alot of changes (Metformin, Progestrone, AlphaThyroid) I know some y'all hoes be nosey. Anyways, I been like literally having obsessive thoughts about my ex. LOL! It's so hard not to hit him up! PLUS he's in my discord still and posts in there so, shit is extra hard lol.. I actually got in a fight with him in the discord infront of everyone lol omg it was so messy. We are never like that but, we haven't spoken since then. Which I mean is prob for the best. I wanna be toxico and keeping poking it but, I know thats not the good mature adult thing to do PLUS I know him and that kinda shit is not his cup of tea either so, it would be really unhelpful SO! WE PUSH FOREWARD! And what does that look like? Well, I completely blinked one time and realized I am hosting an SMILE.RIP BOILER ROOM EVENT!LMAO! So, I and literaly scrambling to get it together for that! I am just so god damn nervous for it. But, whats new. I'm just gonna sail on threw it because, that's my vibe rn. Lately I been obsessed with plants and I found a really sick ass cheap plant place but, it's literaly on my ex's street. I went to it and I was like omg what if I saw him with another girl I would just melt into a ball lmfao. I'm actually really good at not running into my ex's BUT, this plant place is lowkey worth it I ain't even gonna lie. I'd pay that price just to have my plants. LOL, I don't know all these obsessive thoughts are just thoughts and I am doing good at just keeping them that way. Like my therpist says 'Just dont't make it worse'. I kinda want to shut down Smile.Rip well I mean atleast the Discord. Sometimes I be doing things and I think it's a good idea but, then I look back and be like wow I was just isolating myself. Which could be this moment but, damn what if I am just the way I am. Why I always gotta be fighting. Like my therpist says 'Stop fighing everything'. Amen. Well, I am gonna go kill Boiler Room then, come home and steal plants from people.
mood:PTSD
song: jalenrekt — HUG ME drill remix - prod jalenr
So, I feel like talking about me today! LOL! Well, as some y'all know me and my ex fiance broke up last year and for the past year we been trying to make it work out somehow but, I think this week is finally like the end. frfr. It's just at that point where it's over. I mean I am happy we tried but, it blows that it didn't work and it's annoying to not be with someone when y'all both love each other like wtf is this a star crossed lover story?! NO! So, why in the world haven't we got back together and UGH. I just feel like it's all my fault because, my mental health is so in the shitter I can't even have a relationship rn. Like I am a sick woman, and he's deserves a healthier one. But, it makes me so sad. Then all this kinda triggered me to think about my last break up, and I was like damn I never really shared that story but, it is a sick one. I mean I doubt that guy even reads my personal online diary because, he's dumb af but, he really tortured me when we broke up. It was so bad he literally broke my brain! He forced me in his car and yelled at me for so long for hours and hours on how worthless I was and how I should kill myself. Then he'd like brick my phone facetiming me 1000 times in a row and if I answered he'd just call me a whore and curse me out. Mind you we broke up because, he sucked so bad and was so mean to me and eventually one night he hit me in front of EVERYONE at a party. Then the worst was when he forced me to have sex with him, and I was so dead inside when it happened it was like those movie scenes and he left but, that same night... I woke up and I felt someone having sex with me and I turned around and it was a demon! OMG Like this was so real too I can't even explain how real this was. But, I couldn't move at all. (I've had sleep paralysis before) and when I woke up I was so scared because, I knew I had opened up a portal to hell in my bedroom or at least my ex did. OMG so, then I like don't go home for 2 weeks after this because, I am so tripped out like my brain was really broken ;(SO THEN GET THIS I find out IM PREGNANT and it's 100000% from the sleep paralysis demon! So, I had to get an abortion omg and meanwhile this dude is still going INSANE on me like I am so scared I'll see him I was terrified. Honesntly I would prob faint if I saw him today just out of some trauma response shit lol. It was so bad I think even his own homies were like beefing with him over it. That whole relationship was toxic we just did drugs and drank and fought all the time. This was all back from 2016 ish. Anyways, long story short that break up sucked the worst break up ever and even though this one I'm in hurts alot I am soooooo thankful that it is a healthy normal breakup and it's not gonna leave me when a aborted demon baby from a portal to hell that opened up in my bedroom. The end.
mood:empty brain
song:△Sco△ - а то мы захлебнемся
Okie doke. So, whats been going on. I got my hormones tested and I have the estrogen of an 80 year old woman lol. So, I'm guessing that explains pretty much everything for now! I am gonna get them all retested this week again and start some hormone needles or patches or whatever. I'm finally happy I know what it is now but, the dumb ass medical system won't treat it! I had to get it outside of insurance because, I am within "normal" range. Which first of all is insane because the range for estrogen is like 30-400 or some insane shit. And 0-30 is Postmenopause. And I got a 33. So..... LOL Yah that tells you how much they give a fuck about actuallu helping me with my huge symptom list! My mom was like my shit didn't even get that low when I was having menopause and my life SUCKED! So, I contacted an outside place and told them and they were freaking out like wow ur doctor is a idiot and amercian health care is sad. So, I am happy I feel seen now and people understand I am not just making shit up or being dramatic. Because, people fucking love gaslighting you when you have an 'invisible illness'. The other day my homie was just grilling me about just getting up and doing these things. And I was like laughing like man you might as well be yelling at a man in a wheelchair to get up and walk because, that's how fucking hard it feels. Another not is just the seriousness of depression... people die. LOL People literally DIE from depression. I feel like a woman in chains. But, honestly being hyper self-aware is what really saves myself. I am constantly giving myself breaks and I am blessed to do so. But, there's so many ways to show up for yourself and I am just excited to get these issues fixed and have the ENERGY to start using all my tools and such I have learned. I hung out w/ my ex lol. I fell asleep on him on the couch. LOL It's funny because, I do not be like that with anyone else. I am just a cupcake around him. But, all in all things are good and I am not making it worse.
mood: hopeless but full of something
song: Daisuke Tanabe - Cat Steps (Full Album)
Soooooooo, sorry for the long pause in diary stuff. I basically had a mental breakdown and I am not sure of like the timing of everything lol. Time just moves so fast but, this chick Mary Magdalene explained it best 'time loop' I feel like I was in a time loop and everything just becomes the same and you just lose track of time 2 days or week or a month. You don't know because, you purposely or not purposely repeat every day over and over and over. I thought I broke my time loop but, then sometimes you look up and you realize your in a bigger time loop and you have to break that one as well. Ugh! I don't know the past month has been hard. My kid starts school tomorrow so, I really gotta get it together because, his dad still has a broken leg so, he can't take him to school, so I am gonna be full time school mom. I want to quit DJing. I feel so bitter about it. When I goto these shows to DJ which is mostly by myself now because, no one wants to go out anymore lol. I get there and I feel weird being 32 getting paid the same amount as someone who's 19 and just started DJing and I am in a room full of uh-....NO MY PEERS lol. I've just spent like 11 years DJing live and I just can't do it anymore. I kinda also wanna give up Smile.Rip too. I feel like it ran its course. I spent so much time and money trying to make it into somthing but, I could never figure it out and no one really helps with it either lol. I am HELLA BITTER right now I know. I feel like no one loves me and no one cares. And I KNOW you internet people care and stuff but, I need the care from my friends who are here. Which honestly I fuckin' don't know if I have any anymore. I think I may have alienated myself pretty bad. It's so fucking hard feeling anxious and sick everytime I leave the house. Doesn't really make for the best social life. I went to a nerologist and she said I have vasovagal and low blood pressure and that the cure is to drink extra water and eat more salt..... baby is it that easy? I am at this point after a hard month mentally (AND I MEAN HARD) that I may just be a pussy. Maybe the way I feel is the way everyone feels and I am just a fucking pussy ass bitch who can't just handle it. I don't know. All I know is I am tired of being sick I really gotta get it together man. On the cute note. I found a random stray cat who ran up to me and Dez while we were walking Cheech and I am keeping her. Her name is 'Chowder' she's already fixed and litter trained. I think she's maybe a year old. She's also had kittens already! I had an idea who's she might be but, the lady said she came around as a kitten and was pregnant and she felt bad, so she helped her out and got her fixed and shots after her kittens came and adopted them out but, just put her back outside to be an outdoor cat. She told me she would be a sick ass indoor cat and was like dude you should keep her and so now, I have 2 cats and a dog and a kid lol. SO MANY PETS lol! But, my focus is first week of school. Getting back into the groove of school life. 3 meals a day + snacks = lots of dishes and driving back and forth in the LA rush hour times. + dealing with the back to school blues lol. I really still have sooo much more to say but, I'm cut it here.
mood: stoned and hot
song: How To Save One Life (The Fray X Malibu X Evian Christ) - estoc
Bro, I don't even think I can go through all this and bold words because, I am too stoned too care lol. BUT, Wow. Lots happened. Me and my bf broke up again and forever prob. I don't know I was kinda just tweaking out over so much shit and life and I was having all these thoughts and ideas. I don't know I just felt like I couldn't be in a relationship no more and I feel bad because, I kinda left him hanging there after getting back together just to break up again smh. I feel dumb af ALSO get this 3 days before we broke up I got his name tattoo'd on my butt. Like crazy right. Welp. I don't know there's nothing much to say on the matter just reflecting alot and trying to move onto the next phase of my life too. Well, update I actually got back in to eating pretty well. I had to force myself for a week to do it but, once I started it got easier and easier but, I still think eating is a pain in the ass though. Just gotta look at it like fuel for your meat mobile ya know. This month has been stressful needless to say but, I been trying to get out more and do shit and chill but, like also knowing I gotta take baby steps but, sometimes I shock myself with how much I can withstand. Even though I don't enjoy feeling like a social idiot. I should go! I am so hot right now I need to blast some AC and zone out for the rest the night. I gotta be in mom-mode tomorrow!
mood: sick bruh
song: macroblank : flesh and soul - 肉と魂 ep
Ok bitches here it is. Well, let's start here I'm not sure if I've always had a bad relationship with food but, I been consuming nicotine daily since I was like 18 so... Basically in November 2021 I kinda stopped eating. At first, I wanted to lose some weight because, the Zoloft made me gain like 20lbs. and girlllll I was not dieting I was just starving. I would be like omg I had 100 calories today fucking SICK! Then I kinda stopped caring about losing weight because, I wasn't even losing any doing that. Then I scaled back on my Zoloft and all that weight was coming off but, I still can not eat! Food makes me feel like disgusted like flavorless cardboard. I hate that we have to eat to live and eating takes time and money and it's never even tight to me. That's a view I always had but, it never stopped me from eating. I don't know. I mean I have thrown up everyday for almost 2 months now. I can confidently say I consume like 800 calories on a good day lmfao. It's fucking terrible. But, when I put that piece of food up to my mouth it feels like someone is grabbing my wrist back away from my mouth. Shit, I don't know. I really wanna get ripped and have more energy but, I need to eat like duh. And I don't know maybe all this is a symptom of something else wrong with me. My hair falling out, the nausea, no appetite, the fatigue and sweating shit. I never want to fear the worse but, I am getting a Dr appt very soon. And If you have any advice on this matter to help me stimulate my eating or things I can eat to help build it back up. I'm sure lots of people have had this cycle happen before. Lmk in the guestbook or twitter! Thanks!
mood: long time no see
song: Life is NOT Complicated - Alan Watts
WOW. Alot has happened well, since we last spoke my babydaddy broke his leg and ended up getting a blood clot in his lung. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks. My boyfriend has been on tour as well. So, I just been kinda thugging it out lol. My mom even came down to help me too. Literally had to deal with post-covid and what not it was so annoying and hard. I had so much going on the past couple weeks emotionally and physically and it makes me feel like sucha pussy complaining all the time. Like why does shit have to be hard? Or am I just a pussy? Lol. Who knows. But, finally got some brain fog cleared up, so I been able to clean and try and get some important stuff done. But, I really just been procrastinating on so much stuff I am posed to be doing. I am so ill-prepared for life. I just been in mom mode. And I feel I am not that good at that. Overall I been getting through it. Could be worse shit. So, other than that I been feeling this feeling like.. I wanna re-brand and I know that sounds so gay but, like... I am just always so ready to start all over. If I could I would just pick up and leave and move far away and just fucking do nothing all day and get a little job and be like BONJOURNO! But, that will come in time because, I know for a fact I am gonna live that life in my lifetime. Just gotta get thru this boring part first. Honestly my life wouldn't be so annoying if I didn't have such LOW ASS ENERGY AND HIGH ASS ANXIETY. It's just such a disabling combo sometimes. FAWK! I AM A PUSSY!
mood: boiiiiiiii
song: hayden kolb - dreaming E+E remixdreaming E+E remix
OMG so, yes I have no written in a while but, I have reasons why lol. So, like 3 days before the show in S. F I had this weird feeling like someone had put a bad spell on me so, I was like ok let me reverse this shit real quick. Then later that day I got a rash. It wasn't that bad BUT I'm on a medication that has a high risk for a life threatening rash (which I know someone WHO JUST GOT IT AND is hanging on for life) so, I am SUPER paranoid about this rash shit. But, anyways so I get a rash and I call my phyc and she's like yeah maybe you should goto an urgent care and get it checked out. I head to urgent care after like this huge fight with my mom where she was like gonna disown me if I didn't sign up for health insurance. So, I had to sign up while dealing with all this. I get to the urgent care (which I know is gonna be a waste of money because, the healthcare system in the U.S is so dumb and thats why I boycott health insurance) so, me and this 'doc' at the urgent care are just googling stuff and reading it outloud and he ends up telling me I have SCABIES?! lmao I am like yeah I for sure don't have scabies... he didn't even test it or nothing. So, I was like cool waste of time but, either way I was gonna stop taking that medication that makes me high risk for that insane rash. I get home and I cancel the show because, I was like just so stressed by all this shit and also I mean I have a possible life threatening rash OR scabies OR ....... dun dun. So, I put my kid to bed and I am like man I feel weird af still! I grab a home covid test I have and take it and BOOM POSITIVE immediately. LOL! So, I am like oh fuck. This is my first covid ever!
Wow, my longest entry yet. So, yes. I got COVID. My son tests negative in the morning and so does his dad and my bf. SO YES I have been all alone lol. On top of that my bf leaves to tour TOMMROW and we haven't been able to hang out or do anything in a week and now he's leaving for a month. Horrible timing lol. Sucks man because, I have been feeling like shit for weeks on top of covid. I been throwing up everyday for like 3 weeks. I dont know why! I wish I had any bit of brain power to make some cool shit because, right now I feel like I can't do shit. I tried to make shirts, music, whatever but my brain just sucks so hard while I'm sick. So, what else.. OH My therapist moved so, I am out of therapy. I had to quit that med which, I think actually rocked because now that I am off it I feel WAY MORE unhinged again and I don't like it at all but, I am guessing now the rash was a symptom of the covid starting. Which also like ok why are covid symptoms just anything and everything. It's day 7 and I feel like crap but, in the most annoying ways ever. Well. I will cut it here. All in all June should be an interesting month. All this time alone in my room feeling like crap makes you realize a bunch of shit and I am low key not having a good time.
date: -- 5/18/22 --
mood: chill
song: Jonny L - Hurt You So
Ay. What is up. SO SHIT nothing too exciting has happened. I just been working on things and fucking around with my Cricut. I spent like 2 days trouble shooting something that wasn't working and I just got it figured out today and it was the stupid fucking fabric I bought which I am going to return asap. pff welp. I am going up to S.F next weekend to DJ. I usually drink lots of water but, lately I havent been. Wow. Thats how intresting shit has been for me lol. But, I'm enjoying my little arts and crafts hobby lol. I just wanna customize everything. I even put decals on my bathroom mirror lol. I think I am gonna raffle some like package off of some things I've made. Other then that there's nothing I can think of to write right now. I'm also too lazy to bold the words. Man I been taking L's coding the new smile.rip site. I STILL havent cracked into anything i've really liked it's driving me insane :(
date: -- 5/05/22 --
mood: vibing w/ soylent
song: ASMR Role Play - Caring and Supportive Funky Kong Gives You A Ride Home From The Airport
Yoooo. So, I had quite an exciting week. I performed the forbidden song at The Smokers Fest lol. I so didn't wanna do it I had been dreading it so much and was so stressed especially when my friend came down and likeall this stress was mounting up between getting everyone situated with passes who was coming and finally it was the day and I just went along with everything and it ended up being cute lol. We all walked around the fest after and I saw TisaKorean which rocked because, silllllyyyyyyy. But, yeah I had fun. I said what's up to 2chains and Wiz lol. I was like cool lol. I felt cool. And I had all my good friends with me. My friend that I just made Saide she moving to NY that was our last hang before she's leaving which I am bummed about but, she got me into making shit again lol. I got this cricut machine and I been making shirts and stuff the past couple days lol it's so addicting. Gonna work on smile.rip today and tryna and get a new layout done finally but, we shall see. Just been a little wild over here the past couple weeks I feel like. I got a bunch of booking requests now after that show too so, I have to like figure shit out because, the offers are so all over the place and at this point in my life I'm like damn I wanna throw my own parties and book people out and stuff because, I am just too old to keep doing this side of things. I need to get behind the scenes and shit more. Really flex my music knowledge and shit instead of just spinning tracks because, even then most people just wanna see me perform or like don't appreciate the real tracks that I like and listen to because, I am just based af. But, DJing the smokers shit was cool because, I was playing like Lil B and SGP and Waka flocka and shit so, it was dope and yah I performed and they cut the music off at the last couple bars of gucci and I did the rest perfect acapella and I was liked damn ... dope...
date: -- 4/24/22 --
mood: hungry
song: watching some shit on youtube..
Hey buds. I ain't wrote in a minute but, I am here! I fucking went to Portland with the kid and the man and I got super sick on the way! Omg! I thought I was gonna die. LOL. But, we were driving to I had to just stick it out pretty much lol. Fever and shit. I just really pushed thru the sick and made sure I at least got to see that big ass waterfall because, I really wanted to lol. Dez was just happy to goto Portland but, omg he forgot his Ipad too so, it was even harder. Imagine a 32-hour road trip w/ a 8-year old w/no ipad w/ the flu. LOL! I feel like I am still decompressing from all that lol. I had a good time nonetheless. Oh and I also had drama with my Airbnb host for the first time and he left a nasty ass review, and I was like damn. I wrote mines first, and I was like I'm gonna be nice even though we had some miscommunications. And he flamed my ass! I couldn't even re-write mines. I was so mad. He was like making me pay the pet fee in cash when I got there, and I was like ok chill because, I'm sick it's raining like we just don't carry cash on us like that, and he just kept pressing the issue as if I didn't just pay hella money for the Airbnb. Like no one Trina run out on your stinky ass $50. He came down stairs and shit knocking on the door, and he was so mean. Other than that I just been home and vibing. Cleaning and shit. My kid gets here in a couple hours so, I'm be on that mom mode waking up at 6:30am getting him to school. I feel like the last 2 weeks I had him he had no school. So, I just get so used to no waking up early. Hopefully I can stay up this week instead of coming home and going back to be lol. I am gonna really push to finish this redesign of smile.rip soon. I keep re-making it over and over and everytime it just looks like the hold page lol. I can't help it.
date: -- 4/11/22 --
mood: feeling better
song: oÖÔoöh my .. - anyc
Wow. I haven't written in the longest lol. Well, two weeks past. I made it and I pushed through that incredible low I had. I am kinda just living day to day it feels like but, whatever. I am kinda just tired of this burden feeling and I feel like man fuck it I gotta do it with this monkey on my back and go on because, the alternative is just getting boring. It's spring break and we bout to go on a road trip. I like the road trip because, my doggie just lays on my lap and sleep the whole time and it's so cute. I'm tryna see some 8th wonder of the world type shit like I did last time. Not sure what else to talk about but, man being a mom lately has been hard lol this kid be driving me nuts. It's all this small like back talk or smart ass comment or him being sad over the littlest things and crying. It's so hard to like remain positive when your with someone who just loses it over anything lol. But, I don't know I gotta remain composure so, I can teach him how to do shit the right way and I always tell him things but, he just doesn't apply the things I say and I can't force him too so.. that's what's just so annoying about it. I regrettably got my eyelashes done. I hate doing it everytime. When they tape your eyes closed for like 2 hours that shit is insane lol. You'll be in and out of conciseness. Hearing people talking and music and then twitching all crazy from falling asleep. I been trying to take a break on social media and screens and shit. It's hard as hell. I mean I def been off social media as much but, I'm addicted to words with friends for no reason at all lmao. If it's not one app its another pretty much. I CANT HAVE ANYTHING BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL WAHHHHHHHH!!
date: -- 3/28/22 --
mood: absolutely not having fun
song: Lianne La Havas - Forget (Shlohmo Remix) [DJ Kuroneko EDIT] - DJ Kuroneko
Holy shit. Lol. I always get comments in my guestbook that are always like thanks for being so open about depression and blah blah blah and I be like am i? Because, I really don't write half the stuff I really wanna say sometimes. But, maybe I just feel that way because, the past 2 weeks have been a INSANE roller coaster for me. For no real reason other then it just has to be. I am so not in control of anything it feels like. I don't know. I feel so down bad lol. I have nothing to point to and say that's it! That's the thing making my life feel unmanageable. But, there is nothing there lol. On that note though. Obviously I started taking meds like a year ago after I was so down bad I was like OKAY I'LL TRY MEDS anything god lol. BUT, they haven't worked obviously because, here we are. Now I am starting Lamictal tonight, and I am lowkey scared because, theres this insane rare skin condition that is fucked. But, the things we do to right? Well, look. I am really hoping my shit gets better here other than that I been like riding my bike.. I had 2 DJ sets.. + more! So, it is not all a waste man I really be trying lmaoooo. OH, and I am getting my hormones tested too because, I was told that could be an issue on how my brainno working very well. Man there is like also much personal drama too. I mean I know my reaction to some things is what makes them so big but, yeah. I need to go on like a hideout spa vacation.
date: -- 3/19/22 --
mood: errrrr
song: finit̜̮͕͕̬̭̞̝̬̥e - ♰ svengali ♰
Yoooo. Hey guys. Wassup? I am losing my mind lol. Actually besides what seems my constant upsets I did finally get a bike and actually been riding it. It's pretty cool. I also DJ'd last night and it was pretty chill . I am so shy when I DJ it's like I feel so incredibly unconfident lmao. But, I always kill it tbh. I feel like I should just quit DJing parties because, it literally is so stressful then I do it and I'm like ok done. But, the days leading up I am just panicking for no reason. Even though like those type events are my least favorite . I always look for the first place I can sit. But, also they NEVER HAVE good seats at these ware house parties. Like, damn I'm pull up with a fold out chair idc. Anyways, I got hella kids at my house and they are driving me crazy. It's always so much drama with fuckin kids . Like damn just flick your boogers and leave me alone . I have no idea how to handle these new throws of parenting . It's like constant drama for reasons that make literal no sense if they were adults lmao. Grow up. Well, hopefully I can relax tmmrw. Ride my bike and vibe.
date: -- 3/11/22 --
mood: deep breathing!
song: Just For Now (Imogen Heap Remix)
Lachie.wav
Bruh! So, I been doing good I had alot of energy last week.. Well more like I didn't feel like sleeping every 10 seconds. Which was nice. I hung out with this chick, and we made some shirts. I like hangin out with chicks but, I never do it enough because, my anxiety is like too bad to form a new friendship lmao.It's so frustrating. But, I do have some friends who I think understand some my bullshit traits and love me anyways but, I wish they chilled with me more hahaha. IM LONELY. J/k I don't feel lonely but, I know I should def be chillin' with more bitches. Other than that nothing really is new. Still waking up everyday and saying I'm gonna start tomorrow. It be like that sometimes ;)
date: -- 3/4/22 --
mood: awake!
song: mini minEcraft mixxx (rare echo variant) 2/21/21 - technopagan420
What is up y'all. I'm feeling awake this morning which has been rare for me. Lately I been so tired all the damn time. I think it was because, I upped my medication so, we just took it back down. Hopefully that works because, I had been sleeping so much. Like that good ass can't keep your eyes open sleep. Which was cool but, not really. ANYWAYS, so tiny phone.. Well the tiny phone was really cool but, I don't know. I started feeling a little disconnected. I felt like it was a little too much distance for me because, I am already kind of lonely as it is so, without the social media I felt like whoa.. where am i? Plus I mean my lively hood loosely is based on my social media presence lol. So, I am returning the tiny phone lol. I loved it though. I felt like I took a blindfold off when I had it. It was like so relaxing and eye-opening but, do we really want our eyes open? LOL JK we do. Things have been good. I been just chillin'. Tryna buy a bike so, I can just like ride a bike and get lost in the world. You know how when you have a panic attack and they call it 'fight or flight' I always thought it would be funny if when you started feeling that anxiety feeling you just immediately got up and ran super fast with no explanation. Or you just punched who ever was in front of you. I need to do some work man. My life is full of emptiness and I am so goal-less. People have been getting on my ass saying my life is too chill and that's why I be depressed. I kinda agree lol. I love chillin' though but, I do need something to think about other than nothing.
date: -- 2/24/22 --
mood: chill tbh
song: COUNT UR BLESSINGS MIXXX (I love my friends cut 333) - minga57
Yooo. I am back from my trip! We really just drove w/ no plans or destination other than Idaho lol. so BASED! I didn't know it would be snowing really. But, shit the trip was crazy. I saw shit I never seen. I also felt like those things weren't even accessible for me because, I can't drive like that at all lol. My bf really just a trucker ass foo somehow because, he was driving the whole ass time long ass hours lol. I could NEVER! Also driving thru that snow and rain, absolutely not. But yeah, we had a good time. My first real road trip other than like touring which I mean is a whole dif kind of road traveling. I took some sick ass nature pics too. I'm upload them on here. First we went to this sketchy ass clown motel because, I thought it would be nice? LOL. It wasn't, but we slept on the covers with my little blanket I brought lol and our own pillows. After that we went to Provo, Utah and man that place was nice as hell. Like clean ass town and fuckin' beautiful. Fancy restaurants n shit I was like okkkaaayyy Provo this nice. Also! No one wore masks lol (there's no mandate like cali) So, it was even tripper to really see and experience pre-covid type world. We def stayed at nicer hotels after the Clown Motel. Then we drove out to Mount Zion. Shit was like I was on another planet. It looks fucking wild! Shit me had me thinking about life and shit hahahahaha! Actually on the trip I decided to get off of my Iphone permanently and I bought a Jelly 2 phone from Unihertz. It's like this tiny ass android. I got it in the mail today and been trying it out today. I love it. It's so functional but, also pointless! Like I can get on IG and tiktok but, it's so hilarious looking on a tiny ass android you just aren't sucked in at all lol. I'm not gonna sacrifice my life for blue texts man. These phones these days are just monsters lol. I'm on my Touch Grass 2022 shit. Also, I wouldn't have gotten good ass pics like this on a Iphone..
date: -- 2/17/22 --
mood: retard-pilled
song: Florida Breakbeat Mix Of V 0.8
Well I had a quite embarrassing episode yesterday but, I am recovering today from it. I am obviously having some issues but, I realized maybe, I shouldn't feed into them as much as I have been. Dealing with alot of other peoples problems or issues and though it is triggering for me I need to really pack up some that bullshit and move on. I had quite a productive day as far as the past week has gone. And yesterday's temper tantrum is behind me. Sometimes I act like a fucking baby. I am just so reactive to certain situations and not reactive in other ways where I should be. Well, I had quite a chill Valentine's Day. I forced my son to play GTA lmao. He was like I CAN'T PLAY THIS IT'S FOR ADULTS and 4 minutes later he's like 'can i try..' lol. But, yah fuck. I guess I am going on a road trip starting sunday. We're gonna just start driving and bring no clothes and dress with the clothes we have to buy on the way. LOL. I don't know sounds so cool to me :) That's some bucket list shit. Hope it goes well because, I need some fun randomness in my life. I didn't nap today so, I am pretty tired plus, I just got my meds raised because, I thought I could have a little Ketamine but, I AM NOT ALLOWED! Welp, Guess all there is now is this moment and let this moment last forever.
date: -- 2/10/22 --
mood: negative ionized
song: listening to smile.rip winamp player cuz why not
What is up suckers. I realized I need to archive all this code in casemy dumbass deletes all of this code. All these entries are on literally one long age of code so, let me do that after this. So, the situation with the kid and his mom has gotten worse. It's been really draining emotionally to be wrapped up in the drama and I didn't wanna tell anyone because, I know they would be like "I tOlD yOu sO" but, not only did she go back to him but, he also knows where I live and she had to drop her son here and leave to hide out. SMH. I am not scared or anything but, obviously thats something to worry about. The other day after dealing with all this I slept for like 20 hours. I had the most intense other worldly experiences in my dreams. Today I went to the beach though and got my negative ions up and then got Brazilian food and took a nap. All with my EX-FIANCE. I guess I can't call him that anymore though because, we agreed to be exclusive but, I has no ring so, He's my boyfriend? Yes. Anyways! Since my last entry I did get a new desk and I put in my bedroom. I am very happy with the results because, I have already been on my computer way more and even gamed some! So, I am like shoooo can't wait to start doing more projects and what not. Need to really stop laggin on smile.rip merch and also do an IRL smile.rip party or something. Well, my internet laggy af right now. I need to save this shit. I also keep hearing a sound and it's driving me crazy.
date: -- 2/5/22 --
mood: chillin
song: Butchered Chlorophyll Energy - Dani Rev
Literally haven't been on my computer since my last entry. I don't know why. It just feels so bigto me. The room and set up my computer is in just don't feel right for me lol. I've moved my shit around like 4 times and I even painted the whole room purple and I still feel weird as hell in here. Maybe I should fuck it and move it into the bedroom like I always imagined. But, if I do I'd have to down size my set up but, really I need to. I love working on my computer lol. It's my medium but, I just can't bring myself to step into this room and sit down. Hmph. Well, anyways. I've had just a big week. Lots of people have been coming to me telling me all their deep dark feelings and it's been so much for me to hold. I don't know why I am attracting this 'let me carry your baggage' energy but, it's been super draining for me. I had someone tell me such a insane thing that it actually hurt me. Shook me to my core and made things really hard for me for a couple days. Especially because, I had to be face to face with it. Obviously I can't just say what it is but, yeah. Also big wow.. Me and my ex-fiance are back together again. We been going on dates and hanging out and it's really interesting to see the changes. I hope they stay. It's so odd restarting with someone because, I have never gotten back with a ex ever in my dating history. I am actually really good at cutting people out of my life when I feel like I need too but, we broke up over such small things I guess I didn't need to cut him off. Well not only did I not cut him off we are dating again. Amazing. I feel so like overwhelmed so much has happened in the past 2 weeks that I need a moment to turn off this week. Which I will have and it will be nice. Maybe, I work on bringing my computer into my room LOL. Sure why not. Actually I am gonna start it right now. I absolutely love moving my furniture around LOL. I've prob written about doing it so much on here because, I just love doing it. Im need a new desk though that's for sure. Well, see you all soon xoxoxo
date: -- 1/31/22 --
mood: hiding out
song: Lachie.wav - Just For Now (Imogen Heap Remix)
Excuse my absence, I have had to lick some wounds. Anyways, WOW. Did I have a insane week. So, I went out to meet that guy and it couldn't have gone worse. I ended up freaking out and crying and booking my flight back home after 3 hours of being there. Not that anything like bad happened per se but, I just felt like I had to get home ASAP. I was not ready for all of that. So, I did lol. Got on a flight the next day and un-reclaimed my sobriety lol. Tried to forget that whole thing by going on a date with my ex-fiance. Which went really well but, I wish it wasn't like piggy backing off this situation because, honestly the whole week feels like a episode of Euphoria or something LOL. I basically just been laying in bed and sleeping mostly. And doing some ONLINE SHOPPING! Yeah. So Yeah. Yup. I'm gonna drop a new mix later today I think. I really wanna do a smile.rip makeover and merch and kreayshawn merch. I got alot of shit I wanna do but, I am so paralyzed by all this mental turmoil in my head. Everything will be okay though. I'm drinking a soylent right now because, I was getting so bad at eating the past month that I was like fuck it guess I'll just drink meals. Gotta be easier right?! Well, gotta got pick up the kid from school. I'll see you around ol' online diary.
date: -- 1/18/22 --
mood: shook to my core
song: when you touch a man's heart he'll remember it forever - ruby
So, wow I had a crazy-ish week. First of I reclaimed my sobriety so, I am now sober and on the journey again. Cool Beans. I talked to a friend of mines and I kinda distanced myself from him a while ago because, he was friends with my super insane ex-ex boyfriend and we just partied too hard and I was tryna stay away from that stuff but, anyways. I talked to him and he was so down bad it was really sad to see. How someone can be almost irreversibly stuck in a way that slowly kills them. He was out of his mind. Waving a loaded gun and crying and laughing. I dont know it was a real bummer to see. Then my son asked if his friend from school could come over and I was like sure cool playdate. But, as the day went on more and more was revealed and I guess the kid's mom just fled a super abusive situation, and she was working all day just to have $ for food the next day. I was fucked up on that. So, I ended up giving her 3k and told her god gave it to me to give to her. We used google translate to talk because, she only spoke Spanish and it was so heart breaking. She gave me the deepest hug and cried in my arms. She showed me a 24inch scar down her arm from her last husband who she had to WALK from El Salvador with her kid to get away from. Man, I was just like so sad. I been with my mom when she had to flee situations like that and I know how scary that probably is. And hearing her on the phone with her kid telling him how much she loves him and was trying to comfort him to make it seems like everything going on wasn't chaotic. Jesus. Anyways, I was happy I could help her. I donate to alot of people's gofundmes and stuff like that or give money to homeless people but, this was the first time I gave to someone who was personally tied to me in some cosmic way thru our kids being best friends. It's really outstanding how people cross eachother's paths and sometimes those paths are painful and sometimes they are helpful. Anyways, other then that wild heart wrenching day I been like feeling kinda blah. I finished up a mix for this internet rave coming up. I got Dez this week so I am just grinding in mom mode until my secret vacation next week ;D
date: -- 1/14/22 --
mood: trippin out
song: wndwshppng mix on smile.rip
Ok, so something happened. I am kinda annoyed by it but I lost my sobriety date. I don't wanna goto into insane details but, basically I was abusing some medication for a week or so and yea. I am in a bit of self punishment mode right now. I been starving myself as a "fasting diet" which I found as a much more acceptable term! lol. I been just literally smoking and sleeping and thats about it don't have energy to do much else. Though it sounds bad. I feel like I need to do this for some reason. Everything in my life is going good but, a little mental spice for you. I smoked some weed this week for the first time in 4 years. Can't say that I loved it but, it made the whole not eating alot easier to deal with. Antidepressants really just made me gain like 20lbs and I am just so lazy to lose weight any other rational way. Also, more honesty. I am flying across the country to meet someone from the internet lol. In about 10 days. I am absolutely nervous but, I will update that when the time has come. I literally let this week goto nothing. I closed my eyes and opened them and it was friday or whatever fucking day it is. I know my life will re calibrate once Dez gets back here because, it always does. Sometimes you just have to have people or a person around to ground you. I haven't seen anyone since I was in Portland. God damn will I lose my mind soon? Prob not. I do really love being alone. I'm the most chill person I know. Don't know whats the point of hurting myself right now. I can be pretty deadpan when it comes to emotions. I'm probably hurting. I talked to my mom alot about some missing gaps in my memory and things that I remember that I don't have context for. It was really intense hearing some of the things she told me. I felt so bad for her. I mean dealing with all those things with a kid and being a single mom who had no money. Plus she was young af and hot. I've let go all my bad feelings towards my mom for the life I had. I used to hate her and judge her and blame her. Now I see and hear everything she went through from like a whole dif perspective. And because, of that she feels like she can be honest with me now and actually tell me things that happened without the fear of being seen as a bad mom. It's so healing for me and I bet it is for her. I don't know I am rambling. I'll see you guys later!
date: -- 1/10/22! --
mood: fuckin chill'
song:im there with you - dj fun216
What is up crackers! First 2022 entry and I can happily say I am working on my goals. I just got from Portland with my kid. We went up there for no reason. Man, Portland is so nice. Everything was so green and fresh. So many people from Portland complain about Portland being bad or whatever but, like it's soooooooo much better than LA (natassia opinion). I am moss obsessed and EVERYTHING was covered in moss out there. It was so dreamy. Air on crisp. Nice shops. Went hiking and stuff. I really wanna move there. Maybe one day ;) I have some pics from out there I will share because, I been wanting to share pics on here! I also met my long time discord buddy Grey in IRL out there. It's so funny how much closer you become to friends online then ones IRL. Like when else do you hang with someone IRL and talk continuously for 8+ hours while playing a game and listening to music?! For real. Discord really saved me this quarantine and the friendships I've made on Smile.Rip have been amazing. Can't wait to meet EVERYONE! Enough of that shit. I got some million dollar ideas this morning and I got the time to do them today. Traveling with a kid was hard bro. Mostly because, all he wanna do is eat mac & cheese and play Roblox hahahahha same but, sometimes you need to embrace the vibes bro. Still got alot of rearranging to do today (my fav hobbie tbh) Gonna do some onlyfans shit and then play stardew. Also I am writing my life story so, gotta shit to do! Well.. here's some pics from Portland :) Enjoy!
date: -- 12/31/21 --
mood: last day of the year!
song: something playin on my speakers in the other room..
Haven't been on my computer in hella days but, I knew I needed to do a NYE entry because, you know it's time to move into the new year together and have something to look back on. So, wow this year was alot. For sure. Lots of changes and also not enough changes. I lost one of my best friends this year. Still, heartbroken everyday over it. I and my fiance split up. I had a crippling seizure and had to start a journey into medication. Which kicked my ass. But, alot of good things happened too. I just forgot them all LOL! ANYWAYS, This new year I def wanna travel and stuff. With people or alone idc. I have my first trip THIS WEEK! So, I am well on my way. I wanna meet my internet friends as well! Which is crazy because, I am meeting 1 next week! Other than that everything has been INSANE! It rained for like 5 days straight which is like so rare in LA. And my roof blew up with water and it's been all this drama. I almost moved. Found a chill spot but, my landlord offered to lower my rent to stay! and who says all landlords are scum! Mines rocks I love her! So, that was cool. Then an a hour after that my roof started going wild but, it is what is. I got a room painted in my house so, I am gonna be working on making that my new office and stuff. I got it painted Amethyst Cream. Yummy name. Sounds like a earthy sexy stripper name. I'm in love with her. Ok. So yeah. My friend is coming over to make spaghetti for NYE, and we're gonna dip strawberries in chocolate. Shit, I'm be honest there is thing I withhold in these entries sometimes. I wrote those in my IRL journal lol. Well, Happy New Year! Make sure you clean tomorrow!
date: -- 12/23/21 --
mood: rainy day vibez
song: Edited Arts Correspondence 036 - Eterna & Amalcrossing
My computer is trippin' right now but, I just wanted to come how here saying we out here! Lol, I booked 2 flights for Jan. Gonna really do my resolution and travel this year. I also really wanna move this year but, I don't know shit is just kinda annoying right now. I didn't really get the holiday spirt this year for some reason. Not in a bad way. The season just kinda snuck up on me tbh. Days all kinda been blending intogether since 'you know what'. But, I been doing more to get out the house and stuff. Really just wanna enjoy these moments while I can because, you never know what the future holds. But, other then that I am chillin'. Had therapy today. Been cooking alot because, I got Hello Fresh lmao. It's kinda fire. I got alot to figure out right now but, I am too lazy too.
date: -- 12/18/21 --
mood: im chillin'
song: XxLoRdOfToRmEntxX - DJ SCAMLIKELY
Ouu, I got my package I been waiting for! My custom transparent ipod! It is so cool! It brings me so much joy! I spent like 3 hours putting music on it but, I still need to perfect it. I did some x-mas shoppin' for people but, I still need to do more. I booked a random trip too! Finally, I follow through on a wild card move! I hope to book sooner. I'm tryn move different out here, lol. I feel as if I didn't really leave the house this week. I did like 3 times though. I just really didn't have shit to do. Gonna start looking for a place soon. I have some tea that I can't spill at the moment but, things have been good. I've decided to really dedicate myself to quit smoking cigs. I'm reading some book on how to do it and its like guaranteed to make you quit somehow. Well, I should make some food because, I have yet to eat a meal and it's almost 5pm ;> iite bye!
date: -- 12/13/21 --
mood: boom boom
song: RAINING IN ＯＳＡＫＡ (Lofi HipHop) | 10 Hour ~ EXTENDED
Hi Hi! I feel disconnected today lol. I think I'm gonna play some video games and be on my computer today. I recorded some stuff last night. I really wanna work on an EP with my baby daddy this week. We always make bops. Yesterday my ex (ew I hate saying ex still) hit me up and it got me pretty emotional. Mostly angry. I don't know why. Sometimes when something ends you look at the time and be like wow . Time passes so quickly and when it's spent it feels gone. Life seems to pass me by . But, then if you double my age I'll still be alive and well. It's really wild to think all this time on the earth has been so long and I'm gonna have to double that. Wow! I do have a pretty clear vision of my future which is crazy because, I never had visions of my future until maybe a year ago. Before, it was like a huge block . I really been wanting to become a fairy . I have grown quite an obsession with living in a forest and being tiny and goofy . My goal in life is def to go off grid at some point. Def after my son is an adult. Having a kid is the only thing that really keeps me tethered to reality . His dad has been getting annoyed with my fantasies of running away and moving somewhere lol. He said I need a vacation , and I was like. Wow true. But, winter is just so cold. I don't wanna go somewhere and be cold lmao. I'm just a little fairy! I need to renew my passport . I wanna travel alone but, it's so much harder to pull the trigger. I literally look up flights and stuff every SINGLE day ! Also where ever I go I wanna bring my doggie because, he's my bff :) Anyways, toodles.
date: -- 12/11/21 --
mood: crusty
song: Kai Whiston - Catch
Wassup partners? Nothing much over here to update on. Just been in mom mode all week. Cleaning, Cooking and Sleeping. Very chill vibes. Making sure I take care of myself better. I really need to not smoke the days I do smoke cigs I feel like I could just die. But, tbh I want some right now because, I dont care lol. But, I shall not... for now >:]. So yea. I had my second session with my new therapist. I don't know if I wrote before but, he's literally a balding old man lol. I never had a male therapist or someone who was super older then me but, he's actually really good. I been feeling a little angry and upset over my recent breakup. We still talk sometimes but, it is literally like.. "hey" "hello" "cool" "nice". Other then that just taking it day by day. Feeling like I need to jump off a cliff (in a non-suicidal way). So, hmm what else? Oh my new purchase is gonna ship soon. A custom 5th Generation Transparent Ipod. Can't wait to have it in my hands. Welp, thats it I guess. Smell ya later.
date: -- 12/6/21 --
mood: crisis mode
song: BAD BOY CHILLER CREW
Ugh, I can not even front I am on some other worldly feelings right now. I feel like nothing fucking matters. And not in the sense of my own life but, like the world. I kinda got into a tailspin of some thoughts and I want them to leave my head because, I feel like they are making me insane. I don't know. The more NFT and Metaverse praise I see it really breaks me down for some reason. I feel like the world is crumbling and everyone is being pushed into being blinded by things that don't matter. Social media already emotionally manipulates us and we know that. We are just money to everyone. Between guided advertisements and selling out data like.. How can people just keep going fourth. It makes me feel so lost. Because, I feel like its crazy but, people prob think I'm crazy. I don't know. I just have nothing to look forward to as well so, I don't know. I feel really lost. I feel dead. I feel like I need a break from my brain and the world to be refreshed. I don't really handle much good. I need to like hit a reset button in my head. Any suggestions? Can't keep doing these hobby over shifts that last one project then I'm done. It's hard feeling like you haven't found your meaning or calling. I guess for now I will exist. Oh by the way I added 100+ hours of music on smile.rip so make sure you go and check out the DJ's new pages! My fav one rn is hayden kolb's.
date: -- 11/28/21 --
mood: SICK!
song: eMiLY gLASS - finding home
Wassup donkeys! Dude, I have a sore ass throat and I am still mouth breathing so it's just like hell over here lol. I need some thicc ass water for my throat man. Feels like I got some fuckin' glass in there. I been working real hard on trying to convince my home girl to move in my extra room lol! I wonder if she will actually do it. I hope she does. I am so down for a co-dependent female friendship. It's that every girl's real dream? I get my nose tubes out on tuesday and I literally can't wait I am so excitied to pick my nose. I wonder what all has been hiding in there. Oh! And I re-did the site alittle. I am gonna add like two more pages of like old photos and things I like. See what's poppin' with that. Man this was posed to be my glow up week but, getting sick sucks ass. I better be better by tommrow or I am gonna have a fuckin' fit. I spent quite some money on black friday stuff lol. Mostly clothes. Well, I really wanna game again dude. I'm tired of wasting my like not actually wasting my life lol.
date: -- 11/24/21 --
mood: headaches but, chill
song: Casper Mcfadden - upset again (BrEaKcOrE)
SUP BABE? I got a low grade headache right now. Prob because, I been having to be a mouth breathing cave man for the past 2 weeks. Is there a rapper named 'cavemane' because, that shit would be hard. Anyways.. I feel like I am operating at a different level the past couple days. I've been doing alot of cleaning and organizing but, I literally always am. There's one million ways I can rearrange my house and I been doing it. I put my bed in the corner which feels great because, my bed has ALWAYS been in the corner. It like feels so right to me. I do have enough space to put my computer in my bedroom. I might do it. But, I was advised against it. Plus I mean I have 2 rooms. Why shove everything in a bedroom lol. But, also fuck it why not. I think I might need to move sooner than later. I don't want to though because, all the places I see online SUCK! I wanna upgrade my vibes. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Just in case you didn't know. Low key been wilin'. I feel a glow up coming in but, I mean ofc I'm bout to have one. On a random note. I been really freaking about my dreams. I legit have always dreamed every single night of my life since forever but, more and more I think about them during the day and sometimes it confuses me because, I feel like it really happened but, If I spend 8 hours in a dream state then why is the dream not real? Sometimes I feel like I am living a double lif and It's exhausting. I sometimes wish I didn't dream if dreams don't mean anything. So, I get in a state where I take my dreams as actual real. Then I kinda freak out because, It makes me feel I am not very present at all. Gotta be one or the other man!
date: -- 11/20/21 --
mood: better
song: CELL MIX June 5, 2021 - Pain Princess
Damn, I kinda miss my computer being in my closet. I don't like having it be in this room it feels so empty and weird and awkward lol. I wish my home girl would move in this room but, really I wanna move out but, I don't wanna stay in LA. I am so over it here. I wanna upgrade my life bro. I got my nose cast off today and my ear stitches out, and I was able to wash my hair + my face for the first time in a fuckin WEEEK! Felt great! I was also growing my pubes out for November but, I had to tap out tbh the bush was just way too huge it was getting uncomfortable! So, yeah I don't know even though I've had like 12 huge changes in my life this past month I still feel like I need another huge change. It's prob smaller than I think. I keep doing all these huge moves and feeling the same. I'm going to my baby daddy's family house for Thanksgiving. His parents feel like mines lol. Sometimes I feel like me and my BD have like a brother and sister relationship now (I mean this in the most NORMAL way possible). I been watching alot of this dude HINDZ videos on youtube because, I need guidance, and he seems to be similar in language to me but, self-help crap makes me upset lol because, I need it and I can't take care of myself, like I have no intuition when it comes to basic shit. UGH Also after this surgery I gained hella weight. I was already trying to go down a pant size before the surgery now I need to go down like 3. I for real ate like a fucking maniac. Doesn't help I ate Del Taco only today :) Let's g000000. Lol, what if I just left this room empty. I literally don't have enough furniture to even make this a room. It's literally a room with a DESK and that's all. So not the vibe dudeeee and I don't really wanna buy shit to fill it up either lol. Hmm. I feel like I have so much more too say but, I'ma go chill.
date: -- 11/17/21 --
mood: Im OKAY!
song: Soulseek.qt (Makina Remix)Soulseek.qt
Lol, Sooooo.. I am feeling better after my surgery. My mom left the other day so, I just been rough riding it alone. I randomly just decided to buy an ipad and get it delivered? Lol! I'm so wacky. So, I don't even know if I described what my whole nose thing was about but, when I was 18 i got in a fight and this chick str8 up clocked me and broke my nose lol. I never really tripped much about it, I mean I had a crooked ass nose my whole life but, it wasn't that bad but, my right nostril was pretty much closed and I can't breath out of it and it just got worse over time. Especially now that I'm like a sober adult and I need to like work out and hike and shit for 'fun'. So, thats what I got fixed lol. Broke a bone in my cheek and broke my nose and took a piece of my ear and put it in my nose. My ex came to give my mom a ride to the airport. It was so weird seeing him. It's like seeing ur BFF and then they just leave and its awkward. But, what cha gonna do. We still text and stuff. Obviously like we cant hurdle into being friends immediately. Especially because, I am so like bad with bounderies :) Oh, some more news.. I finally got a new therpist. It's a guy though.... I actually requested a female. But, whatever we shall see how it goes. I never had a male therpist before so maybe it will be dope. *immediately wonders if he's hot* who knows maybe they're a they. Anyways, yeah I just been laying about. Cleaning when I can. Working on my next million dollar idea. I think I am gonna redesign the site this week. And add some things! Cool beans! Also I need to make like a better system for alerting that there is a new post other then social media because, I honestly don't want EVERYONE to read this but, hehe maybe I do. Think I'll make a ko-fi or something for alerts ;) iite. peace.
date: -- 11/14/21 --
mood: litttt
song: nothing lol
This is gonna have to be a pretty short entry because, I can barely keep my eyes open for very long lol. My surgery went well! My nose and ear fucking hurts lol. They took a piece of my ear and put it in my nose. WOW so cool. I'm on some pain meds but, it feels like I got two razor blades up my nostrils and my mouth is so dry feels like god damn sandpaper tounge. I can only sleep in 1 hour intervals because, my mouth gets so dry I wake up like AHHHHHHH. So, yeah. My moms here and btaking care of me hehe. And yah! So, I don't know if I said but my nose wont really look any different or anything it wasnt really cosmetic. It was my septum that was coplassed. But, it will make my nose look better because it will be straighter. ahhhh i dont know what im talking about im tired but also not. okay see ya!
date: -- 11/10/21 --
mood: vibing hard
song: John Holt - Strange Things
Welcome back, me. LOL! There's hella kids in my house right now. 5 to be exact. They are all just running around and I'm just playing some old school reggae loud. Tis' a vibe. Reminds me of my old place. I would just have the door wide open playing music and kids just running in and out. It is very healing for myinner child to just create a chill environment for the kids. I was just reflecting and told my kid about some things that happened to me when I was a kid. My childhood was absolutely dreadful until' I was 10 years old. Then it went back to shit when I was 13. Smh. But, those 3 years are still to this day an anchor for me to look back with some peace. Now I make my own peace so, I'm good. So, far being single has been chill. I never really been a lonely person. I like being alone and being by myself is fun for me. Plus, maybe I'll have some more time to spend with my discord homies again like in the beginning of quarantine. I have my surgery on Saturday morning and my mom comes on Friday. I'm excited to hang with my mom even though she annoys the crap out of me sometimes. She's sucha worry wart. Last time she came down here she freaked out because, I sprayed some perfume in the bathroom after I pooped and she said it was making her sick, and she literally got in her car immediately and drove 6 hours back home....... Like..... Ok. Anyways, I'm nervous for my nose job. I wonder if I'll have big ass black eyes or whatever. Kinda of a look tbh. I never thought I'd be getting boob jobs and nose jobs but, HEY when in Rome do as the Romans do. I'll be around. Holla. Also if you ever wanna comment or reply to a post you can use my guestbook on my main page.
date: -- 11/07/21 --
mood: kinda weird
song: shaman fight club — Traffic2
Hey y'all so.. It's been a week lol. I'm single now. My 'ex' omg so weird to say my ex this is the first time I've called him that.. Wow. Kinda can't believe it. Well, anyways he moved out. His office room is empty. I don't know what to do with it. I kinda wanna paint it and put my computer set up in there since I've legit been having my computer in the closet for over a year now. I kinda like my little closet though. He also took one of the cats and when I tell you my kid is devastated over it.... It sucks. I dont know. I feel really awkward in this large place alone. It's kinda overwhelming. But, I guess what will be shall be. I was telling my baby daddy I wanna move to Portland, and he lost his mind. He refuses to let that be an option for me. I'm exhausted of feeling like I am not free. Being alone is really all I want and to make choices for myself out of goodness and not out of survival. I'm just over my situation here. I want more for myself. So, yah. On top of that I have surgery on Saturday ON MY FACE! Well I'm getting my septum fixed. I kinda wanna go off and get a face tattoo because, I am just over existing. Maybe with this extra room I can get back on my content grind and stuff but, honestly social media is so vapid I don't even know if what I really wanna do makes sense for what my morality will allow. I AM JUST SO CONFUSED! It's been like 3 months since I been in therapy and I need it so desperately. I wish they would hurry up and assign me my new fucking therapist. Honestly I am at the point of anger with this breakup. I feel blah. Omg like I can't believe I'm 32. I feel like a fucking idiotic child forever.
date: -- 11/02/21 --
mood: i am okie
song: Surly - 4Q 510-511
Yoooooo. I realized most my entries are pretty depressing lol. I obviously sound more sad when I am venting but, I'm pretty ok all things considered. Going thru a 3 year relationship/engagment ending. Having my bills and rent literally DOUBLE. But, I can handle this shit I'll be okay. In a way it's nice to simplify my life. I am such a people pleaser that I get lost in doing things to make other people comfortable. Espeically because, I am a mom and it's kinda my job to do every single thing for someone I end up feeling pretty ragged some times. I def need to push myself to get out the house an experince life more! I finally got my meds balanced out so, I am not having panic attacks all the time and it's so nice to go out with friends and not have to leave early or pass out in front of everyone or get trapped in a bathroom! So, cheers to that fr. Other then that I just been cleaning up. I hoping that I can maybe have my homegirl move in the extra room now but, it would be a huge ass move for her. I was thinking of moving but, there's already such a large change for my kid. I don't wanna pile more on by moving from all this friends in the building too. So, I'll stay here for a couple more months see if I get a roomate. If I don't then I'm pack up and dip outta here booooooiiiii. Also my new car still hasn't arrived and my ass been taking the bus because, I refuse to pay 50$ uber charges to go somewhere that takes 15 minutes to drive to! SMH! Got me fuccccccccked up.
date: -- 10/31/21 --
mood: SICK
song:Casper Mcfadden — (´ ∀ ` *) (´ ∀ ` *) (stomach)
What an update to behold. Well, I don't know if I even wanna share this but, I mean this is what my dairy is for right? I and my fiance mutually called it quits. It feels so weird. We didn't have anything happen that was like a huge reason why but, I know we just both have different goals and things. We def don't agree on things even though we like alot of the same things. We just really are pretty different even though we are the same? in a lot of ways. I don't know. We legit moved in together 1 month before COVID started and I mean honestly I'm surprised we got through it that long lol. But, I think as time goes on we just realized we aren't happyand the things we need or the thing we would have to change are things we can't give to each other or things about ourselves that we can really change. Then they start to clash and then no one really gets what they want huh? Well, yeah it's def weird. I also have never had a breakup that was undramatic and adult before so, that's also weird to deal with. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if there was an issue we could point at and be mad at. Right now I guess we're both wondering if this is the best idea but, the only way to know that is by dipping off. I wish I could close my eyes and just get to the new normal. Other than that though it's pretty chill. It's only been 2 days since we made the decision. But, I mean I don't think there's a going back because, we been at this point a couple times, and we've tried to move forward but, we always end up at the same point again. In all honesty as well, I am just kinda feeling like I need more female energy around me. Not like I'm sexually attracted to women but, the only times I feel truly happy and safe is in the presence of a vibed out ass female lol. I am not gay! I swear! lmao. Anyways, this is just the worst thing to go through while I am not in therapy and also my meds ran out yesterday so, cant wait for some withdrawls..... yay!
P.S I am not in the mood for halloween at all lol. I'm in that mode where anyone having fun or is happy is gonna piss me off even more LOL.
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date: -- 10/28/21 --
mood: iiteeee.
song:1 Hour of 60s Brazilian Doomer Music
Hmm, well let's see.. what's going on with me. Well I've had a depressing couple days. I been binging Shameless for no reason lol it's been making my dreams so chaotic. I even had a dream Frank was fingering my asshole last night.. lmfao. Well, I feel better because, I got some groceries. I was legit just eating rice everyday for dinner and breakfast. Well a 2pm breakfast. I'm really Trina quit smoking cigs.... I love them but, they legit make me feel so god-damn terrible. It's ridiculous I even do that shit. Nicotine too crack. But, yah. Shit sucks my balls. Just gonna vibe out before I get my surgery in 2 weeks. The doctor gonna break my nose and fix my broken nose lmao. I just imagine him blowing his knuckles and clocking me in the face. Can't wait. I need to ummm get a life. I have no idea what my halloween plans really are. I really hate like holiday theme parties honestly lol. Dressing up is too much for me I am way too lazy. I been pulling up everywhere in my new leopard robe looking busted. Tbh it's a look. I saw this tiktok about being a live laugh love ass bitch ironically. You know typical self care shit.. exercise, eating healthy, skincare as a joke. I think I might try it. Pretty much is performance art.. HA!
date: -- 10/22/21 --
mood: bored
song:(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ whatever ♥ smile.rip
I made a new mix today lol. I feel it might be underwhelming but, honestly the tracks are sooo good lol. There's a link above for it. I feel burnt out today. Blah. I took my dog to the park today. Me and some other chick who was just as awkward and also a first time new dog owner and I talked. We were both socially awkward af. I told her it's weird getting used to having a dog because, everyone always talks to you. I don't mind it though. Even though it usually takes me like 10 minutes to warm up in a convo and these are usually fleeting convos. I really am socially stunted lmao. Except when I get in my very rare hyper mode. But, seems those days are far and few. I feel like blah it's really annoying and I know why too. But, anyways. My friend came over yesterday, and we went thru my grandma's diaries and letters and journals. Long story short my grandma who died when my mom was 2. She died at 24. She did speed n heroin, prostituted, became a lesbian, was homeless, practiced heavy magic, joined a biker gang, went to jail, had two kids (one she gave up for adoption) one was my mom who was raised by my grandpa. She wrote down everything from when she was 13-24 and its extremely detailed and kinda disturbing but, mostly sad and heartbreaking. She really wanted to get sober and was obviously struggling with mental health, and she couldn't get help. She was always begging her mom to let her come home but, she never would. She also for no reason had a full hysterectomy and talks about how she feels gender less. It's sucks she died because, I feel like she would have been such a cool and crazy grandma. But, we are working on making her stuff into a series or something because, she really wanted her stories to be told. The stuff is really intense dude. Reading it and seeing all the pictures... I don't know it's wild. But, thats a new project I am working on I guess. Gonna get everything copied this weekend and start putting some ideas together.
date: -- 10/20/21 --
mood: fucked
song:dJ ColdsteeL - Compare You To A Summer's Day
welp nothing exciting to really update. I went thrifting with my friend. I didn't find anything noteworthy but, I was thinking how Zoloft and buspar really helped me not have panic attacks anymore. This time 3 months ago I couldn't goto the corner store without having a full on panic attack. Sometimes I see people's definition of a panic attack and I'm like wow, that seems mild af lol.. Maybe your just nervous? For me it's full on heart pounding, the overwhelming need to shit (even though I don't) I can't hear anything, I lose my vision, sometimes I get really bad vertigo too. On my bad ones I actually fully faint and fall out hit my head on some shit and will be out cold for like 2-5 minutes The last big one I had was when I decided to get on medication because, it was my first one I had while DRIVING! I was driving on the bay bridge with my two best friends and all of a sudden I felt a panic attack start and I'm like I'll take the first exit off the bridge and pull over but, I didn't say anything to them. I kept it all to myself. Then everything started to fall out. My hearing and my body felt like it was bout to go limp, and I was somehow able to pull to the side but, it was like one of those tiny side areas not even big enough for my car. All I remember is thinking about like cheddar cheese just something so far off of ALMOST DYING ON A FREEWAY. I had no idea I fell out. The first thing was my hearing coming back and I could hear cars zooming by really fast and hearing my friend yelling my name. Then my vision slowly came back and I looked at the steering whell, and I was like.... FUCK... then I saw my friends freaking out. They told me I was out cold for about 3 minutes with my eyes wide open which is so crazy because, I saw total darkness.. After that I threw up and my friend drove my car back to her place. I don't know after that I couldn't do shit I was so scared it would happen again. But, honestly I've had those 'fall outs' mad times back in the day. That was my first one since getting sober. I mean tbh it's seizures lol. But, anyways after 6 months of starting meds getting doses right. Finally, I can go out and do shit and experience none of that bullshit. Thank god. So, Well even though I feel like dying today I am grateful I don't have to live in fear of that shit anymore.
date: -- 10/17/21 --
mood: vibeless
song:ₑ₂̑ᏈↂͩᏈ₂̑ₑ - ҺคՈ૭ɿՈ૭nature
\\\\\\ pfffffffftttt. Shit, I had a long ass week. According to the moon or some shit tommrow is posed to be the day my life finally comes together. Maybe I'll jsut fake like thats true. I feel so blah. I am in real life simulation mode. Everyday rinse, wash, repeat. I got a pack of cigs today because, fuck it. It's funny how we think we deserve a reward and the reward is usually something bad for us, lmao. I kinda wanna start gaming again... I feel like I had something prolific I wanted to write about but, I truly forgot what it was. Everything been pissing me off. I been feeling real un-princess like. Gotta keep it pushing. It's been like 3 weeks since my therpist quit and I am still waiting for a new one. I miss my therpists that have came and left lol. I hope my next one rocks because, I need some fucking HALP. Besides that I might goto Arizona this week. I really wanna goto that town with the donkeys everywhere lol. I keep getting this urge to like leave. Get a flight and dip off by myself and just vibe. I used to tell my therpist that I wish someone could dramtically slap me like in the movies when someone is freaking out and I just snap out of it. That's where that 'beat my ass' song came from. I feel like a good ass beating can really align your chakras. Shake you up a little bit and get you on the right path.
date: -- 10/14/21 --
mood: stressed'
song:GAGSMILE — On The Plane When You Called Me
Wassup fuckers, well today was a day. First did the mom thing. Woke up at 6:30am made breakfast, packed lunch, drank coffee, sat in traffic. My video for the 'mom song' came out on youtube. So, I was spending a little time on social media promoting that. Inspired me to make a link page for social media because, MF's prob won't goto my actual site and find it lol. Plus fuck it. Gotta stroke the cock of the masses sometimes. I'm feeling stressed though. I need some girl time with some females. That's when I truly feel myself but, it's hard to get out the house because, I am usually so damn tired. Like I have no energy. I can't tell if it's the meds because, I prob haven't had energy since I was 18 lmao. It's fine. I also haven't gamed in like over a month. Wow so surprising. After my Rust break I did Stardew Valley then I smashed that then did Graveyard Keeper which was pretty good but, honestly making these sites is pretty much like a game to me lol. I love it. I took a coding class before but, I actually hated it. Wonder if anyone out there would pay me to make them a shitty site like this..hmmm. Then I prob wouldn't enjoy it. HA! Anyways, I made dinner just now but, I am not really hungry per usual. Don't understand how I gain weight but, I feel like I never eat lmao. TILL' NEXT TIME.
date: -- 10/10/21 --
mood: chillin'
song:k9999 - beneath the mask
Honestly, I am going to have to spell check these entires because, I am so bad at spelling. Anyways, This is my first POST! WOOO! I been thinking alot about sharing things online and how its so censored and how it's really annoying because, tweets are so short and instagram is all just about pictures. There really isn't anywhere were we can share out extended thoughts and stuff. Ya know what I mean. So, I wanted to throw it all the way back to the xanga, live journal, blogspot days and start a online diary. Which I will be updating more then my social media because, I hate tweeting and I barely post on IG because, it's annoying af. So, let me know what you think and if you want help starting an online dairy thing I'd be intrested in maybe doing a discord class or some shit like that. Well, enough of explaining myself.. I guess I can catch you up on the past 2 weeks for now.. I got a PUPPY! Well, honestly I dont think he is really the age they said he was.. I think he's older but thats even better honestly. He is such a cool amazing puppers. It's my first dog I ever owned!! He's super chill too. I named him Cheech. He's just a vibed out ass little chihuahua.