date: -- 11/24/21 --
mood: headaches but, chill
song: Casper Mcfadden - upset again (BrEaKcOrE)
SUP BABE? I got a low grade headache right now. Prob because, I been having to be a mouth breathing cave man for the past 2 weeks. Is there a rapper named 'cavemane' because, that shit would be hard. Anyways.. I feel like I am operating at a different level the past couple days. I've been doing alot of cleaning and organizing but, I literally always am. There's one million ways I can rearrange my house and I been doing it. I put my bed in the corner which feels great because, my bed has ALWAYS been in the corner. It like feels so right to me. I do have enough space to put my computer in my bedroom. I might do it. But, I was advised against it. Plus I mean I have 2 rooms. Why shove everything in a bedroom lol. But, also fuck it why not. I think I might need to move sooner than later. I don't want to though because, all the places I see online SUCK! I wanna upgrade my vibes. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Just in case you didn't know. Low key been wilin'. I feel a glow up coming in but, I mean ofc I'm bout to have one. On a random note. I been really freaking about my dreams. I legit have always dreamed every single night of my life since forever but, more and more I think about them during the day and sometimes it confuses me because, I feel like it really happened but, If I spend 8 hours in a dream state then why is the dream not real? Sometimes I feel like I am living a double lif and It's exhausting. I sometimes wish I didn't dream if dreams don't mean anything. So, I get in a state where I take my dreams as actual real. Then I kinda freak out because, It makes me feel I am not very present at all. Gotta be one or the other man!
date: -- 11/20/21 --
song: CELL MIX June 5, 2021 - Pain Princess
Damn, I kinda miss my computer being in my closet. I don't like having it be in this room it feels so empty and weird and awkward lol. I wish my home girl would move in this room but, really I wanna move out but, I don't wanna stay in LA. I am so over it here. I wanna upgrade my life bro. I got my nose cast off today and my ear stitches out, and I was able to wash my hair + my face for the first time in a fuckin WEEEK! Felt great! I was also growing my pubes out for November but, I had to tap out tbh the bush was just way too huge it was getting uncomfortable! So, yeah I don't know even though I've had like 12 huge changes in my life this past month I still feel like I need another huge change. It's prob smaller than I think. I keep doing all these huge moves and feeling the same. I'm going to my baby daddy's family house for Thanksgiving. His parents feel like mines lol. Sometimes I feel like me and my BD have like a brother and sister relationship now (I mean this in the most NORMAL way possible). I been watching alot of this dude HINDZ videos on youtube because, I need guidance, and he seems to be similar in language to me but, self-help crap makes me upset lol because, I need it and I can't take care of myself, like I have no intuition when it comes to basic shit. UGH Also after this surgery I gained hella weight. I was already trying to go down a pant size before the surgery now I need to go down like 3. I for real ate like a fucking maniac. Doesn't help I ate Del Taco only today :) Let's g000000. Lol, what if I just left this room empty. I literally don't have enough furniture to even make this a room. It's literally a room with a DESK and that's all. So not the vibe dudeeee and I don't really wanna buy shit to fill it up either lol. Hmm. I feel like I have so much more too say but, I'ma go chill.
date: -- 11/17/21 --
mood: Im OKAY!
song: Soulseek.qt (Makina Remix)Soulseek.qt
Lol, Sooooo.. I am feeling better after my surgery. My mom left the other day so, I just been rough riding it alone. I randomly just decided to buy an ipad and get it delivered? Lol! I'm so wacky. So, I don't even know if I described what my whole nose thing was about but, when I was 18 i got in a fight and this chick str8 up clocked me and broke my nose lol. I never really tripped much about it, I mean I had a crooked ass nose my whole life but, it wasn't that bad but, my right nostril was pretty much closed and I can't breath out of it and it just got worse over time. Especially now that I'm like a sober adult and I need to like work out and hike and shit for 'fun'. So, thats what I got fixed lol. Broke a bone in my cheek and broke my nose and took a piece of my ear and put it in my nose. My ex came to give my mom a ride to the airport. It was so weird seeing him. It's like seeing ur BFF and then they just leave and its awkward. But, what cha gonna do. We still text and stuff. Obviously like we cant hurdle into being friends immediately. Especially because, I am so like bad with bounderies :) Oh, some more news.. I finally got a new therpist. It's a guy though.... I actually requested a female. But, whatever we shall see how it goes. I never had a male therpist before so maybe it will be dope. *immediately wonders if he's hot* who knows maybe they're a they. Anyways, yeah I just been laying about. Cleaning when I can. Working on my next million dollar idea. I think I am gonna redesign the site this week. And add some things! Cool beans! Also I need to make like a better system for alerting that there is a new post other then social media because, I honestly don't want EVERYONE to read this but, hehe maybe I do. Think I'll make a ko-fi or something for alerts ;) iite. peace.
date: -- 11/14/21 --
song: nothing lol
This is gonna have to be a pretty short entry because, I can barely keep my eyes open for very long lol. My surgery went well! My nose and ear fucking hurts lol. They took a piece of my ear and put it in my nose. WOW so cool. I'm on some pain meds but, it feels like I got two razor blades up my nostrils and my mouth is so dry feels like god damn sandpaper tounge. I can only sleep in 1 hour intervals because, my mouth gets so dry I wake up like AHHHHHHH. So, yeah. My moms here and btaking care of me hehe. And yah! So, I don't know if I said but my nose wont really look any different or anything it wasnt really cosmetic. It was my septum that was coplassed. But, it will make my nose look better because it will be straighter. ahhhh i dont know what im talking about im tired but also not. okay see ya!
date: -- 11/10/21 --
mood: vibing hard
song: John Holt - Strange Things
Welcome back, me. LOL! There's hella kids in my house right now. 5 to be exact. They are all just running around and I'm just playing some old school reggae loud. Tis' a vibe. Reminds me of my old place. I would just have the door wide open playing music and kids just running in and out. It is very healing for myinner child to just create a chill environment for the kids. I was just reflecting and told my kid about some things that happened to me when I was a kid. My childhood was absolutely dreadful until' I was 10 years old. Then it went back to shit when I was 13. Smh. But, those 3 years are still to this day an anchor for me to look back with some peace. Now I make my own peace so, I'm good. So, far being single has been chill. I never really been a lonely person. I like being alone and being by myself is fun for me. Plus, maybe I'll have some more time to spend with my discord homies again like in the beginning of quarantine. I have my surgery on Saturday morning and my mom comes on Friday. I'm excited to hang with my mom even though she annoys the crap out of me sometimes. She's sucha worry wart. Last time she came down here she freaked out because, I sprayed some perfume in the bathroom after I pooped and she said it was making her sick, and she literally got in her car immediately and drove 6 hours back home....... Like..... Ok. Anyways, I'm nervous for my nose job. I wonder if I'll have big ass black eyes or whatever. Kinda of a look tbh. I never thought I'd be getting boob jobs and nose jobs but, HEY when in Rome do as the Romans do. I'll be around. Holla. Also if you ever wanna comment or reply to a post you can use my guestbook on my main page.
date: -- 11/07/21 --
mood: kinda weird
song: shaman fight club — Traffic2
Hey y'all so.. It's been a week lol. I'm single now. My 'ex' omg so weird to say my ex this is the first time I've called him that.. Wow. Kinda can't believe it. Well, anyways he moved out. His office room is empty. I don't know what to do with it. I kinda wanna paint it and put my computer set up in there since I've legit been having my computer in the closet for over a year now. I kinda like my little closet though. He also took one of the cats and when I tell you my kid is devastated over it.... It sucks. I dont know. I feel really awkward in this large place alone. It's kinda overwhelming. But, I guess what will be shall be. I was telling my baby daddy I wanna move to Portland, and he lost his mind. He refuses to let that be an option for me. I'm exhausted of feeling like I am not free. Being alone is really all I want and to make choices for myself out of goodness and not out of survival. I'm just over my situation here. I want more for myself. So, yah. On top of that I have surgery on Saturday ON MY FACE! Well I'm getting my septum fixed. I kinda wanna go off and get a face tattoo because, I am just over existing. Maybe with this extra room I can get back on my content grind and stuff but, honestly social media is so vapid I don't even know if what I really wanna do makes sense for what my morality will allow. I AM JUST SO CONFUSED! It's been like 3 months since I been in therapy and I need it so desperately. I wish they would hurry up and assign me my new fucking therapist. Honestly I am at the point of anger with this breakup. I feel blah. Omg like I can't believe I'm 32. I feel like a fucking idiotic child forever.
date: -- 11/02/21 --
mood: i am okie
song: Surly - 4Q 510-511
Yoooooo. I realized most my entries are pretty depressing lol. I obviously sound more sad when I am venting but, I'm pretty ok all things considered. Going thru a 3 year relationship/engagment ending. Having my bills and rent literally DOUBLE. But, I can handle this shit I'll be okay. In a way it's nice to simplify my life. I am such a people pleaser that I get lost in doing things to make other people comfortable. Espeically because, I am a mom and it's kinda my job to do every single thing for someone I end up feeling pretty ragged some times. I def need to push myself to get out the house an experince life more! I finally got my meds balanced out so, I am not having panic attacks all the time and it's so nice to go out with friends and not have to leave early or pass out in front of everyone or get trapped in a bathroom! So, cheers to that fr. Other then that I just been cleaning up. I hoping that I can maybe have my homegirl move in the extra room now but, it would be a huge ass move for her. I was thinking of moving but, there's already such a large change for my kid. I don't wanna pile more on by moving from all this friends in the building too. So, I'll stay here for a couple more months see if I get a roomate. If I don't then I'm pack up and dip outta here booooooiiiii. Also my new car still hasn't arrived and my ass been taking the bus because, I refuse to pay 50$ uber charges to go somewhere that takes 15 minutes to drive to! SMH! Got me fuccccccccked up.
date: -- 10/31/21 --
song:Casper Mcfadden — (´ ∀ ` *) (´ ∀ ` *) (stomach)
What an update to behold. Well, I don't know if I even wanna share this but, I mean this is what my dairy is for right? I and my fiance mutually called it quits. It feels so weird. We didn't have anything happen that was like a huge reason why but, I know we just both have different goals and things. We def don't agree on things even though we like alot of the same things. We just really are pretty different even though we are the same? in a lot of ways. I don't know. We legit moved in together 1 month before COVID started and I mean honestly I'm surprised we got through it that long lol. But, I think as time goes on we just realized we aren't happyand the things we need or the thing we would have to change are things we can't give to each other or things about ourselves that we can really change. Then they start to clash and then no one really gets what they want huh? Well, yeah it's def weird. I also have never had a breakup that was undramatic and adult before so, that's also weird to deal with. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if there was an issue we could point at and be mad at. Right now I guess we're both wondering if this is the best idea but, the only way to know that is by dipping off. I wish I could close my eyes and just get to the new normal. Other than that though it's pretty chill. It's only been 2 days since we made the decision. But, I mean I don't think there's a going back because, we been at this point a couple times, and we've tried to move forward but, we always end up at the same point again. In all honesty as well, I am just kinda feeling like I need more female energy around me. Not like I'm sexually attracted to women but, the only times I feel truly happy and safe is in the presence of a vibed out ass female lol. I am not gay! I swear! lmao. Anyways, this is just the worst thing to go through while I am not in therapy and also my meds ran out yesterday so, cant wait for some withdrawls..... yay!
P.S I am not in the mood for halloween at all lol. I'm in that mode where anyone having fun or is happy is gonna piss me off even more LOL.
date: -- 10/28/21 --
song:1 Hour of 60s Brazilian Doomer Music
Hmm, well let's see.. what's going on with me. Well I've had a depressing couple days. I been binging Shameless for no reason lol it's been making my dreams so chaotic. I even had a dream Frank was fingering my asshole last night.. lmfao. Well, I feel better because, I got some groceries. I was legit just eating rice everyday for dinner and breakfast. Well a 2pm breakfast. I'm really Trina quit smoking cigs.... I love them but, they legit make me feel so god-damn terrible. It's ridiculous I even do that shit. Nicotine too crack. But, yah. Shit sucks my balls. Just gonna vibe out before I get my surgery in 2 weeks. The doctor gonna break my nose and fix my broken nose lmao. I just imagine him blowing his knuckles and clocking me in the face. Can't wait. I need to ummm get a life. I have no idea what my halloween plans really are. I really hate like holiday theme parties honestly lol. Dressing up is too much for me I am way too lazy. I been pulling up everywhere in my new leopard robe looking busted. Tbh it's a look. I saw this tiktok about being a live laugh love ass bitch ironically. You know typical self care shit.. exercise, eating healthy, skincare as a joke. I think I might try it. Pretty much is performance art.. HA!
date: -- 10/22/21 --
song:(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ whatever ♥ smile.rip
I made a new mix today lol. I feel it might be underwhelming but, honestly the tracks are sooo good lol. There's a link above for it. I feel burnt out today. Blah. I took my dog to the park today. Me and some other chick who was just as awkward and also a first time new dog owner and I talked. We were both socially awkward af. I told her it's weird getting used to having a dog because, everyone always talks to you. I don't mind it though. Even though it usually takes me like 10 minutes to warm up in a convo and these are usually fleeting convos. I really am socially stunted lmao. Except when I get in my very rare hyper mode. But, seems those days are far and few. I feel like blah it's really annoying and I know why too. But, anyways. My friend came over yesterday, and we went thru my grandma's diaries and letters and journals. Long story short my grandma who died when my mom was 2. She died at 24. She did speed n heroin, prostituted, became a lesbian, was homeless, practiced heavy magic, joined a biker gang, went to jail, had two kids (one she gave up for adoption) one was my mom who was raised by my grandpa. She wrote down everything from when she was 13-24 and its extremely detailed and kinda disturbing but, mostly sad and heartbreaking. She really wanted to get sober and was obviously struggling with mental health, and she couldn't get help. She was always begging her mom to let her come home but, she never would. She also for no reason had a full hysterectomy and talks about how she feels gender less. It's sucks she died because, I feel like she would have been such a cool and crazy grandma. But, we are working on making her stuff into a series or something because, she really wanted her stories to be told. The stuff is really intense dude. Reading it and seeing all the pictures... I don't know it's wild. But, thats a new project I am working on I guess. Gonna get everything copied this weekend and start putting some ideas together.
date: -- 10/20/21 --
song:dJ ColdsteeL - Compare You To A Summer's Day
welp nothing exciting to really update. I went thrifting with my friend. I didn't find anything noteworthy but, I was thinking how Zoloft and buspar really helped me not have panic attacks anymore. This time 3 months ago I couldn't goto the corner store without having a full on panic attack. Sometimes I see people's definition of a panic attack and I'm like wow, that seems mild af lol.. Maybe your just nervous? For me it's full on heart pounding, the overwhelming need to shit (even though I don't) I can't hear anything, I lose my vision, sometimes I get really bad vertigo too. On my bad ones I actually fully faint and fall out hit my head on some shit and will be out cold for like 2-5 minutes The last big one I had was when I decided to get on medication because, it was my first one I had while DRIVING! I was driving on the bay bridge with my two best friends and all of a sudden I felt a panic attack start and I'm like I'll take the first exit off the bridge and pull over but, I didn't say anything to them. I kept it all to myself. Then everything started to fall out. My hearing and my body felt like it was bout to go limp, and I was somehow able to pull to the side but, it was like one of those tiny side areas not even big enough for my car. All I remember is thinking about like cheddar cheese just something so far off of ALMOST DYING ON A FREEWAY. I had no idea I fell out. The first thing was my hearing coming back and I could hear cars zooming by really fast and hearing my friend yelling my name. Then my vision slowly came back and I looked at the steering whell, and I was like.... FUCK... then I saw my friends freaking out. They told me I was out cold for about 3 minutes with my eyes wide open which is so crazy because, I saw total darkness.. After that I threw up and my friend drove my car back to her place. I don't know after that I couldn't do shit I was so scared it would happen again. But, honestly I've had those 'fall outs' mad times back in the day. That was my first one since getting sober. I mean tbh it's seizures lol. But, anyways after 6 months of starting meds getting doses right. Finally, I can go out and do shit and experience none of that bullshit. Thank god. So, Well even though I feel like dying today I am grateful I don't have to live in fear of that shit anymore.
date: -- 10/17/21 --
song:ₑ₂̑ᏈↂͩᏈ₂̑ₑ - ҺคՈ૭ɿՈ૭nature
\\\\\\ pfffffffftttt. Shit, I had a long ass week. According to the moon or some shit tommrow is posed to be the day my life finally comes together. Maybe I'll jsut fake like thats true. I feel so blah. I am in real life simulation mode. Everyday rinse, wash, repeat. I got a pack of cigs today because, fuck it. It's funny how we think we deserve a reward and the reward is usually something bad for us, lmao. I kinda wanna start gaming again... I feel like I had something prolific I wanted to write about but, I truly forgot what it was. Everything been pissing me off. I been feeling real un-princess like. Gotta keep it pushing. It's been like 3 weeks since my therpist quit and I am still waiting for a new one. I miss my therpists that have came and left lol. I hope my next one rocks because, I need some fucking HALP. Besides that I might goto Arizona this week. I really wanna goto that town with the donkeys everywhere lol. I keep getting this urge to like leave. Get a flight and dip off by myself and just vibe. I used to tell my therpist that I wish someone could dramtically slap me like in the movies when someone is freaking out and I just snap out of it. That's where that 'beat my ass' song came from. I feel like a good ass beating can really align your chakras. Shake you up a little bit and get you on the right path.
date: -- 10/14/21 --
song:GAGSMILE — On The Plane When You Called Me
Wassup fuckers, well today was a day. First did the mom thing. Woke up at 6:30am made breakfast, packed lunch, drank coffee, sat in traffic. My video for the 'mom song' came out on youtube. So, I was spending a little time on social media promoting that. Inspired me to make a link page for social media because, MF's prob won't goto my actual site and find it lol. Plus fuck it. Gotta stroke the cock of the masses sometimes. I'm feeling stressed though. I need some girl time with some females. That's when I truly feel myself but, it's hard to get out the house because, I am usually so damn tired. Like I have no energy. I can't tell if it's the meds because, I prob haven't had energy since I was 18 lmao. It's fine. I also haven't gamed in like over a month. Wow so surprising. After my Rust break I did Stardew Valley then I smashed that then did Graveyard Keeper which was pretty good but, honestly making these sites is pretty much like a game to me lol. I love it. I took a coding class before but, I actually hated it. Wonder if anyone out there would pay me to make them a shitty site like this..hmmm. Then I prob wouldn't enjoy it. HA! Anyways, I made dinner just now but, I am not really hungry per usual. Don't understand how I gain weight but, I feel like I never eat lmao. TILL' NEXT TIME.
date: -- 10/10/21 --
song:k9999 - beneath the mask
Honestly, I am going to have to spell check these entires because, I am so bad at spelling. Anyways, This is my first POST! WOOO! I been thinking alot about sharing things online and how its so censored and how it's really annoying because, tweets are so short and instagram is all just about pictures. There really isn't anywhere were we can share out extended thoughts and stuff. Ya know what I mean. So, I wanted to throw it all the way back to the xanga, live journal, blogspot days and start a online diary. Which I will be updating more then my social media because, I hate tweeting and I barely post on IG because, it's annoying af. So, let me know what you think and if you want help starting an online dairy thing I'd be intrested in maybe doing a discord class or some shit like that. Well, enough of explaining myself.. I guess I can catch you up on the past 2 weeks for now.. I got a PUPPY! Well, honestly I dont think he is really the age they said he was.. I think he's older but thats even better honestly. He is such a cool amazing puppers. It's my first dog I ever owned!! He's super chill too. I named him Cheech. He's just a vibed out ass little chihuahua.